In less than a year derby became such a huge piece of my life. It gave me more than I could have imagined. Skating to exhaustion quieted my mind. Helping others gave me a purpose. Learning about equipment, strategy, and the history of the sport enriched my mind. And most importantly the people I met and the bonds that were formed fulfilled my desire to belong to something bigger than myself.
In the past week I feel that has all slipped away. People have misinterpreted the crisis in my life and translated it into something dark and derby related. In the past three weeks I have made the hardest decision of my life; to end an unplanned pregnancy. The hormones combined with my self hatred have colored my opinions of events and made me at times a harsher critic of others than I would ever like to be. I really believe that were my personal circumstances different this season of derby would have transpired in a very different way.
So now in my darkest hour I feel foolish and alone and missing my derby. I feel like the fallout from others actions combined with my own have created an insurmountable summit that I am unable to climb to get back to normal. I am uncomfortable in my own skin and paraniod of what others could be saying or thinking of me. Loosing derby right now won’t end me, I know. But I also don’t know how to proceed without it in my life. And I really don’t know where to go from here.