In less than a year derby became such a huge piece of my life. It gave me more than I could have imagined. Skating to exhaustion quieted my mind. Helping others gave me a purpose. Learning about equipment, strategy, and the history of the sport enriched my mind. And most importantly the people I met and the bonds that were formed fulfilled my desire to belong to something bigger than myself.
In the past week I feel that has all slipped away. People have misinterpreted the crisis in my life and translated it into something dark and derby related. In the past three weeks I have made the hardest decision of my life; to end an unplanned pregnancy. The hormones combined with my self hatred have colored my opinions of events and made me at times a harsher critic of others than I would ever like to be. I really believe that were my personal circumstances different this season of derby would have transpired in a very different way.
So now in my darkest hour I feel foolish and alone and missing my derby. I feel like the fallout from others actions combined with my own have created an insurmountable summit that I am unable to climb to get back to normal. I am uncomfortable in my own skin and paraniod of what others could be saying or thinking of me. Loosing derby right now won’t end me, I know. But I also don’t know how to proceed without it in my life. And I really don’t know where to go from here.
Madame Evil,
I can’t imagine what you went through and I’m so sorry. But this was your decision and your teammates don’t need to know. Don’t be paranoid by what they might be saying because it’s not worth worrying about.
If you want to end the negative feelings it sounds like your teammates have for you and the unknown whispers you feel you could ask for a women only meeting and tell them. If that’s not an option then know you did what you had to do and do your best to move on.
I’m sure you’ve conquered many obstacles in your life and you will with this one. Try to find something to replace the derby. It might be hard but you can do it.